Before I start, I want to offer you a chance to turn back. I want you to know that if you watch the following video, and read the corresponding review, your life will be irreparably altered, probably for the negative. This is not a joke; the commercial I am reviewing is so disgusting that I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I didn't provide sufficient warning to those of you who are faint of heart. If you think you possess the intestinal (not to mention emotional and mental) fortitude to withstand this hideous onslaught, by all means, proceed. But don't say I didn't warn you.
What. The. Fuck.
I was met with so much horror on the screen that I was momentarily without words the first time I saw this. Here, we have Whoopi Goldberg, comedian, portraying several different historical and fictional roles, all telling us about how she pisses a little bit when she's scared, tickled or made to laugh. So, before we get into the gory details, let's recap: we have one of the gnarliest, most androgynous actresses of all time dressing up in a bunch of different garb, doing downright awful accents and talking about needing a piss pad to soak up spontaneous explosions of urine coming from her crotch? God, help us.
Whoopi trots out a bunch of costumes, including Cleopatra, Eve, Lady Godiva, Joan of Arc, the Statue of Liberty, Mona Lisa, Helen of Troy and some fucked up Madea-looking thing in a tall bed. Most of these characters come with terrible accents, but not all. It's very confusing and disconcerting. I guess the overall point is that it's pretty embarrassing for a woman to "spritz," and these legendary women were shunned, ridiculed and sometimes even killed for being unladylike. How this is comparable to a daytime TV host pissing herself I have no idea. The lowlights are when Whoopi Cleopatra tells us she's been "leaking for YEARS. YEARS!" and when the Statue of Whoopi does the weird sound at :47 and repeats "liberty."
As far as Whoopi herself, I have never figured out why she is such a household name. Her name and image are memorable, but her resume is filled with bad comedies and occasional supporting dramatic roles, which I suppose she has done well with. It just seems like for someone who isn't all that successful, she sure is pretty successful. Shit, look at her IMDB. Take out cameos and voice work (which she can always do well with since she sounds like Marge Schott and crossed with Young Jeezy) and she is left with the likes of Eddie, the Sister Acts and Corrina, Corrina. And don't give me any bullshit about Ghost or the Color Purple. If you have 114 acting credits to your name and a couple are worth a fuck that does not make you a good actor. Hopefully Whoopi sticks to the View, since I'll never have to worry about watching that nonsense.
I have to wrap this up, because the more I think about Whoopi pissing herself the more likely it is that I'll toss my McNuggets. Maybe Poise should invent some puke wipes to give away for free with each box of piss pads. It's the right thing to do. And if you're still reading this, don't blame me or Whoopi or Poise for the mess of vomit that is likely on your keyboard. You were warned.
Final Grade: F
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