Dr. Pepper Cherry - Fergie

Dr. Pepper has a line of commercials featuring "doctors" (Dre, J., Frasier, Love) that are pretty corny, but not altogether irritating.  The same cannot be said for their Dr. Pepper Cherry ad, starring Fergie of the hip hop/auto-tune/sex-pop group Black Eyed Peas.

Let me begin by saying that I think Fergie is as ugly as dog shit.  I know a lot of people think she's really sexy, and some concede that her face is pretty awful but she has a great body.  She could have the greatest body ever (although check out the weird spandex belly at :06) and it wouldn't convince me that she's not some disgusting shemale-type thing.  Maybe she's a herm.  Either way, she repulses me.  So obviously my opinion of her physical inadequacies is going to affect this review.

As the music builds, Fergie does a bunch of weird, purportedly sultry glances.  I officially go ballistic when her rapping starts.  Call me sexist, but there are very few female rappers that I've ever considered truly talented.  Mia-X, Gangsta Boo, Trina and Kim during their primes - that's about it as far as I'm concerned.  Rap is like football, comedy, driving and being president.  It's best left to men.  What makes the usage of the song unbearable is how loud her verse is.  Plus, she rhymes every line with "this."  She makes Soulja Boy look like Robert Frost.

To make matters worse, we're subjected to the "pour a drink out on the other side of your face to make it look like it's being drank" camera shot.  I'm pretty sure I did shit like that in 5th grade and thought I was Harry fucking Houdini.  I expect better out of a major beverage company like Dr. Pepper.  More weird faces follow, and then the payoff is Fergie-Ferg pulling a knotted cherry stem out of her mouth.  The implication is that drinking Dr. Pepper Cherry can make a real cherry form in your mouth, stem and all.  Of course, that is lost on me, because I can't stop shielding my eyes from the hideous he-beast in lingerie and a cape making seductive faces at me.

She finishes by telling us how smooth the drink is, in her troublingly deep voice.  As smooth as the airbrushing done on Fergie's pockmarked face, I ask?  Nah, not that smooth.  But it surely must be smoother than the stubble of her beard.

Final Grade: F