Orville Redenbacher - Criss Angel Pop-Up Bowl

I will never again buy Orville Redenbacher popcorn as long as I live.  I will buy Pop Secret, Act II, Jiffy Pop; hell, if it existed, I would buy a brand called Poopcorn that was made from corn harvested from human feces before I would buy Orville Redenbacher again.  This is all because of a recent commercial for Redenbacher that features none other than the quintessential douche-bag himself, Mindfreak Criss Angel.

The featured product in this advertisement is Redenbacher's pop-up bowl, which is basically a microwaveable bag that doubles as a bowl once the popcorn is cooked.  This is yet another completely unnecessary invention.  Look, I'm as lazy as anyone on the planet.  I drive from my job to McDonald's, and no exaggeration, it's about 300 feet away.  I'm almost overwhelmingly tempted to use one of those electric shopping wheelchairs when I do my grocery shopping.  But even for a sloth like myself it's not asking too much to either eat popcorn straight out of the bag or else pour it in a bowl.  I understand that the bowl would then need to be cleaned, but it's popcorn, not spaghetti.  But such is life in 2011, and we now have a popcorn bag that inflates into a bowl, a clapper light switch that is remote controlled so that you don't even have to fucking clap, and a beer cooler that you can ride as a motorized scooter.  Actually, I'll take the cooler/scooter.  Can I get a DUI on one of these bastards?

In examining the actual commercial, we notice a dude who looks like he raided Motley Crue's dressing room floating outside a sliding glass door.  There is a couple inside watching television, and upon noticing the Ghost of the Sunset Strip they immediately recognize him as Criss Angel.  Angel beckons the couple to follow him to the kitchen where he produces a bag of popcorn and asks them if they know what it is.  Angel then does some asinine gesturing and apparently mystical shit, and after the microwave dings he removes the popcorn and shows that the bag is also a bowl.  Amazingly, our dipshit guest star isn't even the most annoying person in the commercial.  That dubious distinction goes to the wife, who's astonishment at the wack-ass bag/bowl gag is enough to make me want a real magician to saw her stupid ass in half.  Her appearance, voice, acting - it's all terrible.

Concerning Angel, everyone knows he sucks, regardless of how supposedly mind-freaking some of his tricks are.  As proof, he spells his name "Criss."  That alone should be enough to crown him King of the Douches.  In addition, he's 43 years old, and it seems he wears more makeup than Lady Gaga.  He was banging Hugh Hefner's sloppy seconds for a while, which is just weird and off-putting.  His Mindfreak success landed him a show at the Luxor in Las Vegas, which is to the luxurious side of Egypt what King Cobra is to the Anheuser-Busch family of beers.  For those of you who have never dabbled in 40 ounce bottles of malt liquor, I assure you the analogy is not favorable in regards to Mr. Angel.  Criss Angel thoroughly sucks, this commercial sucks, and as far as I'm concerned, Orville Redenbacher sucks too.

Final Grade: F