Old Navy - Super C-U-T-E by Audio Threadz

I can always count on Old Navy to annoy the shit out of me with their unbearable cheeriness and farcical musical numbers.  The annals of commercial history show a pattern of awful Old Navy tv spots, but they may have outdone themselves this year.  A couple months ago Old Navy ran a commercial featuring a group apparently called Audio Threadz (they always make fake artists for their commercials now, and present them as members of "Old Navy Records"), but it primarily focuses on a Kim Kardashian look-alike named Melissa Molinaro.  Molinaro sings about looking cute in Old Navy clothes in a variety of mundane situations.

Before I break this minute-long monstrosity down bit by bit, I must admit that Molinaro is pretty goddamn hot.  Although it's tough to judge from a commercial like this, she seems like she would be extremely irritating to be around.  Not as irritating as either of her cronies, I'm afraid.  She is flanked by a black guy who dresses, sounds and acts like a second rate Will.I.Am. and a hispanic looking guy who reminds me of pop artist Sean Paul.  The trio become exceedingly incensing as the song and video continue.  I imagine that this group is the result of the Black Eyed Peas literally taking their own advice and truly becoming retarded.

From the beginning, Molinaro assures us that she's speaking about real life, and for some reason she feels the need to let us know that we shouldn't ask her questions until she gets some caffeine.  The scene is reminiscent of Rebecca Black's compulsion to have her bowl of cereal in the notorious "Friday" video.  Molinaro does assuage any concerns we may have about her decaffeinated appearance, however, by explaining that she looks "super cute" regardless of the situation.  She offers a manicure appointment and a trip to the dentist as examples.

It is about this time in the commercial that I really begin to lose my shit.

Sean Paul, who up until this point had been relegated to merely making a stupid face in the breakfast scene, now begins to act like a total jackass.  As Molinaro is shown in the dentist's chair, Sean Paul and Will.I.Am. are dancing around her wearing some sort of fucked up doctor's outfits (Sean Paul even has one of those pizza cutter-looking disc headbands on).  Just watch Sean Paul's dance and utterly idiotic ski goggles at :17.  If that's not enough to make you want to deliver a 12 pack of Molotov cocktails to your local Old Navy then I don't know what is.

Next, we see the Goof Troop roll into a park.  We then have a synchronized dance routine.  We have a dog wearing a sailor hat.  We have a bunch more dogs performing their own jumping routine.  Truly mindless shit.  This is wear Will.I.Am. really earns his keep.  He does some kind of back bending maneuver while wearing some truly awful clothing.  If that outfit  is from Old Navy then I feel completely content with my decision not to shop there.  The guy looks like a burrito made of Fonzworth Bentley and some scene kids.  This transitions into a grocery store shot, and Will.I.Am. begins to rap with the assistance of auto-tune, and frankly, I have no fucking clue what he's talking about.  I just know that when Sean Paul's dumb ass starts saying "check her out at the checkout" I want to rip his braids out.

The registers even have banners spouting asinine phrases such as "OMG," "Super Cute," and "Check Her Out!"  Luckily, Molinaro is still looking pretty hot, allowing me soldier on through the final third of the nightmare.

Molinaro is seemingly on the verge of receiving an unspecified traffic ticket, but claims that her jeans saved her from being cited.  This strikes me as somewhat reckless on the part of Old Navy.  It's as if they are telling us that if we wear their super cute jeans we can expect to get away with breaking the law.  Perhaps Ray Lewis and O.J. Simpson were wearing super cute Old Navy pants during their questionable encounters with the law.  Anyway, I doubt a male cop would find it too impressive if I pushed my ass out at him like Molinaro does to the cop in the video, regardless of the violation I was accused of
committing.

The commercial ends with the whole gang reprising the chorus of the song and performing one final dance number in the street, all while showcasing yet another set of Old Navy clothes.  In the end, I find myself frustrated that the star of the video, despite her good looks, is not enough to salvage this cesspool of advertising.  Old Navy further stakes their claim in the upper echelon of shitty commercial makers, rightfully joining notables (and Commercial Grade recipients) Subway and Miller Lite.  Their fake artists and songs are historically awful.

Final Grade: D

*Update* - Recent news has broken that Reggie Bush, New Orleans Saints running back and former Heisman Trophy winner, is now dating Molinaro.  Bush famously dated Kim Kardashian as well, so it comes as no surprise he would latch on to her look-alike.  Plus, since he is a backup running back now (read: he sucks) it is fitting he would end up with a backup Kardashian.

*Update Again* - Now Kim Kardashian is suing Old Navy over this commercial, claiming that her publicity rights have been violated.  What a ridiculous bitch.  Bush is still dating Molinaro. 7/22/11