I'm going to state right up front that I am pretty pissed off right now.

I just watched my favorite basketball team lose a game to an inferior team and I got my ass kicked in Black Ops 2 for two hours prior to that. Throw in the standard retail-employee-at-holiday-time malaise and I'm borderline homicidal right now.

That said, forgive me if I'm extraordinarily harsh on this commercial.

Christmas commercials almost universally suck, and this offering from Sears is no exception.

We begin with Eddie and Shannon finding out that their flights have been cancelled due to inclement weather. Harmless enough, so far.

Not five seconds later, however, things get awful. After recognizing each other waiting in the airport, Eddie and Shannon inquire about each other's vocations, and we find out both are bloggers. Never mind that blogging is a nearly impossible profession in which to earn a living.

Even before the single dumbest moment of television advertising I've seen this year happens (it prompted me to resurrect a forgotten blog, for Christ's sake) we realize that Eddie and Shannon are dipshits.

Eddie looks like he spends three hours a day trying to look properly disheveled and I'm pretty sure he raided Bradley Cooper's closet before going on his trip in this ad.

Shannon, meanwhile, looks a little bit like Krysten Ritter, only less attractive and with an even weirder mouth. Not Anne Hathaway weird, but pretty fucking strange nonetheless.

It's actually sort of funny that I thought of Krysten Ritter when seeing Shannon, because my first thought upon hearing the commercial character's name was that it probably has some fucked up, modern spelling like "Shanyn." Prospective parents: if you want to do a shitty job naming your children, just throw in a "y" or two where they don't belong and you'll do a bang-up job.

Now we've come to the part of the commercial that makes me want to condemn Eddie and Shanyn (fuck it, I'm going with that spelling) to an eternity of receiving papercuts under their fingernails.

"Totes weird, that is cray, cuz I'm a blogger, too." You've got to be shitting me, Sears.

If I ever heard someone talking like that - unironically, in a real life situation to a real life person - I would hope with all that I am that they contract tuberculosis and suffer mercilessly for years before succumbing to the disease. And not in a dignified, still-kinda-cool way like Doc Holiday in Tombstone. I would want that shit to be wretched.

From here, the ad tries to trick you into thinking it is a romantic comedy movie trailer because why the fuck not? I mean, there was no indication during the setup of the premise that it could be a movie; it just looked like another shitty Christmas commercial.

The second on-screen text for the "trailer" says "Love goes viral." Now, I hate the word "viral." I mean, I fucking DESPISE it. It's right up there with "fail," "butthurt," and "epic" on the list of worst words that people use all of the time for no reason.

Next thing we know, Eddie and Shanyn fall in love at the airport, presumably all during the time they are waiting for their flights. At least I guess. They're wearing the same outfits as the beginning, but I'm still not sure.

I just know that all of a sudden Eddie, on his way to Shanyn's line to win her back even though he never lost her and they were only together for like a few hours, runs right into a goddamn refrigerator. Now, why a fridge - and there's not just one, there's a few, along with washers, dryers and stoves - is standing in the middle of an airport is a fucking mystery to me.

Shanyn, predictably, runs into the other side of the same fridge and takes a tumble, and the movie trailer gimmick dissolves as we find out that the commercial is actually touting Sears' appliance selection.

This is bad advertising, in my opinion, because there is no tie whatsoever between the last 5 seconds of the commercial and the first 25. They are basically trying to be funny (and doing a terrible job of it) and then saying "hey we have a bunch of different brand appliances, come buy them if you like airports or bloggers or rom-coms or names with "y" in them or scarves or big mouths or physical comedy or viral things."

Fuck you, Sears. Next time I need appliances, I'll buy them from someone on Craigslist.