As you may have seen last year, I pretty much hate every 5-Hour Energy commercial out there.
The newest batch of ads, featuring what seems to be a cowboy police officer or sheriff, may have changed my tune in regard to the company's advertising initiatives.
Here's one of the new commercials. I'll provide the full breakdown after the jump.
Right from the start, I like that the cowboy cop pulls a sneak attack on the construction workers. I like to imagine this old dude being surprisingly stealthy from all his years thwarting immigration attempts on the border of New Mexico. Only now he's forced to go around hawking energy drinks because he accidentally cut the throat of a fellow American who happened to be looking for arrowheads near the border. After being unceremoniously dumped (and without charges due to his superb service record with the border patrol), old hoss took the best job he could find - dive bombing coffee drinkers and demanding they drink 5-Hour Energy shots.
What strikes me initially about the guy is how much he reminds me of the late Unsolved Mysteries host, Robert Stack. It's almost like John Wayne and Robert Stack somehow mutated together and became this badass anti-coffee crusader.
You can just tell how badass the guy really is for a couple of reasons. First, he is wearing a bolo tie. Show me someone wearing a bolo tie that ISN'T badass and I'll hang out under a Miami overpass and let my face be eaten.
Second, the construction workers are so nervous they are stuttering and practically quaking in their Red Wings at the mere sight of Cowboy Cop. Clearly, this is not a man to be fucked with.
None of that explains why he stills wears a badge, though. Maybe he is still a cop, but is so passionate about 5-Hour Energy that he shakes down drinkers of other caffeinated beverages. Fucking strange, either way.
I like that he doesn't really say how long the energy boost lasts, despite it being a product that says EXACTLY how long it lasts. "A whole lotta hours" sounds so much longer than "five." If given the choice between "a whole lotta hours" and "five" I'm going with the former every time.
John Wayne-Stack drops in a dick/coffee euphemism, which paves the way for my single favorite moment of the commercial: the littering. In today's ridiculously P.C. world, 5-Hour Energy made a couple of guys throw their garbage right on the ground without a second thought. That is fucking awesome. The world needs more envelope-pushers.
The end of the commercial is a fitting send-off, as Wayne-Stack gives us a creepy product pitch while intensely staring and nodding at the camera. I'm pretty sure if that guy came and told me to switch from coffee to 5-Hour Energy, I would do so posthaste. That is why this commercial is effective.
Final Grade: B
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