Whatever happened to commercials that don't make me want to throw a Molotov cocktail through a tequila company's window?
Michael Imperioli, the star of this series of infuriating commercials for 1800 Tequila, is an actor best known for his work on The Sopranos. He's also been in several Spike Lee joints. Frankly, I've never given too much of a shit about the guy either way. I've only seen a handful of Sopranos episodes (shoot me, The Wire is better anyway) and I haven't seen any of his Spike movies in about 10 years. These commercials have convinced me that I hate Michael Imperioli no matter the quality of his thespianism.
1800 Tequila is owned by the same people who own Jose Cuervo. I've never drank 1800, but the last time I drank Cuervo it turned out like Lardass' barf-o-rama in Stand By Me. So this company is already on my shit-list.
This ad, like all the rest of the 1800/Imperioli collaborations, begins with the question "whatever happened to ________?" All of the things he mentions still exist in essentially the same form they always have (clothes, men, drinks, conversation, cars, a bunch more), which renders his original question void. Now, he could say "why don't men act like burly, misogynistic lumberjacks anymore?" to get his asinine point across and it would make much more sense. That would be a valid query.
He says men used to drink real tequila and talk about sports. I talk to a lot of people, and sports are always right at the heart of any conversation. And I am by no means a super badass manly man. So, if I talk about sports (and write about them too, damn it), and I'm only medium on the masculinity scale, it would seem that talking about sports is something that a lot men still do.
As far as "real tequila"goes - according to 1800 and Imperioli, Patron is "poser" tequila - if it gets me inappropriately drunk then it's real enough for me. Why is it that every alcoholic beverage manufacturer feels the need to tout their product as being "manly?" This is really idiotic. Sure, I'm gonna get shit from my friends for drinking wine coolers or Smirnoff Ice, but do any guy's friends really rip him for drinking one terrible light beer over another? Or one premium tequila over another? I really doubt it.
When Imperioli implies that Patron drinkers talk about hair tinting instead of sports I want to smack him in his smarmy, screaming-for-rhinoplasty face. Just the air of superiority that he conveys is enough for me to dislike the asshole.
Couldn't the writers of this ad have come up with something better than "hair tinting?" If I wanted to demonstrate how feminine someone is for drinking a certain brand of tequila (which, as I mentioned is fucking stupid, so I can't ever imagine myself in this scenario, but for the sake of argument play along) I would say "talk about... what? Feminine hygiene products?" I probably would have made it much more crude and dropped a minimum of one f-bomb in there, but I wouldn't have stopped short of insinuating that only people with vaginas drink Patron.
Final Grade: F
Note: This commercial just came on while I was writing this review. I have been planning this one for a couple weeks, and the pangs of anger that just coursed through me confirmed my decision to completely destroy it.
I've been seeing these commercials on ESPN and they make me want to remove my eyeballs with a rabid woodpecker. Truly godawful commercials. I went on the internet to see if any kindred spirits agreed with me, and lo and behold, I found this beauty of a review. Well done, Keith.
ReplyDeleteThanks for checking it out JM. I'm glad you hate this as much as I do. If you browse around the archives you'll probably find some more commercials that bug the holy hell out of you.
ReplyDeleteWho the hell is drinking tequila and talking about sports? If I went to a game night and all that was served was tequila I would be pissed. First off tequila isn't good for anything other than shots and mixed drinks. I would much rather a have good brandy, scotch, or whiskey, or even a really unmanly light beer to drink while watching a game. So F you 1800.
ReplyDeleteWell said Keith, JM, and Milton. While I frequently find myself critiquing commercial that I find having almost nothing to do with the product being advertised, I find this one as the epitome of them all. "What ever happened to commercials? So many of them don't make any sense, and you can hardly tell what anyone's selling." This is a commercial about bottle tops... and clothes... and men, and facebook, and cars, restaurants...... conversing.......... you get my point.
ReplyDeletegood review Keith. I sometimes lay awake at nut trying to call asleep but just can't get there because these shitty commercials are too infuriating. any one of us could write a better commercial for this trash tequila probably even after taking like 1000 hits of acid each shit pisses me off. like I get stupid gimmicky commercials like subconsciously make you remeber the product but it's no good if I would never use the product even if it was free just because of their bs commercials keep up the good work boss
ReplyDeleteI don't know what more insulting about this commercial and its insinuations, that you are not a real man unless you drink 1800 tequila OR that you are not a real man unless you talk about sports all the time. Does testicle turn into ovaries every time you talk about cars and politics? I don't think I'm comfortable with Michael Imperioli defining what it is to be a man.
ReplyDeletegreat review, i'm glad other people share my frustration
Let's all give a well deserved standing ovation to the marketing department at 1800. How often do we have the pleasure of bearing witness to such a perfect union of impotent writing and douche bag screen talent? If we could get Michael Imperioli together with Flo from the Progressive Insurance company and have them collaborate on a commercial, gun control would be instantly dissolved, and abortions would be legalized globally. Congratulations to 1800 for pushing us all closer to boxed wine and anger management therapy.
ReplyDeleteNotice the guy is alone and nobody is around him. How long do you think an attractive woman would hang around this negative guy who is too cool to do anything but make put down comments. This guy is the ultimate party pooper. If you want to sit alone in the corner of a club making negative comments to make yourself feel cool then 1800 Tequila is right for you.
ReplyDeleteMost marketing schemes for male products are exhausting their definition of the "Man's Man" --- Old Spice, Dos Equis, Axe body spray etc.... so essentially these companies are in a pissing marketing competition with each other. They are all absurd, comical and for entertainment. I don't understand the hostility... the comments on this message board is the same type of alpha malarkey/behavior these ads have encouraged. If a commercial gets you guys this angry I would hate to see what emotions a shot of that tequila will bring.
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