Subway - Kid Voices

I have refused to eat at Subway since the 7th grade, and a large part of that decision has been based on their infuriatingly annoying television commercials.  The other part of the decision to not eat Subway lies in my refusal to ingest anything even moderately healthy.



Those two reasons once caused me to walk over four miles to a McDonald's when there were at least 5 Subways en route.  It was also in 95 degree heat, I was wearing a suit, and it caused me to be over 45 minutes late for a work meeting, so you see how seriously I feel about this.  They are in the Shitty Commercial Hall of Fame in my book (along with GAP, Miller Lite, and Jared Galleria of Jewelry, to name a few).

The latest extended campaign for Subway (they had an equally awful "FebruAny" footlong series a couple months ago, but thankfully February is the shortest month of the year and it was relatively short-lived) features office workers acting out scenarios that might happen in an elementary school rather than at work.  The actors all have dubbed voices that sound like little kids.  To me, this is just stupid.  From what I understand, people actually think this shit is funny.  I get that they are trying to demonstrate how irresistible the Subway melt is by showing the lengths people will go to get them (bullying people at the lunch table, pretending to be romantically interested in order to steal the sandwich), but it seems like an attempt at lowest common denominator type humor.

What's worse is that this commercial makes light of the hapless nerdy dude who buys the melt getting utterly fucked over by the hot co-worker who is just using him for his food.  Since when is it acceptable to promote shitting all over somebody for a sandwich?  I know it's supposed to be funny, but every time I see this commercial I root for a follow up ad where the nerdy guy gets revenge.  I'd like to see him steal money from her purse while she's eating his melt, take a dump in her desk drawer, or maybe see him photoshop nude pictures of her and post them all over the office.  When confronted he should condescendingly say "I'm your boyfriend now."  That may be a strong reaction, and of course it's immature, but what can I say?  I wanna see justice prevail in that dude's life.

Final Grade: D