Hanes - Bacon Neck

Michael Jordan is a winner.  In fact, he's consumed by the need for victory so much so that his legacy as the greatest basketball player ever has been tarnished by his off court personality and his icy disposition toward anyone he has ever seen as a competitor or impediment to his absolute dominance.



It should come as no surprise that former Hanes commercial co-star Charlie Sheen has revived his career and made a fortune off of calculated craziness manufactured from his catch phrase "Winning."  Between takes of Hanes commercials (where Jordan always portrayed the stoic, cool character and Sheen was a bumbling buffoon trying to bathe in His Airness' victory aura) Sheen must have been taking notes and planning a media blitz of cocky, delusional, triumphant catchphrases.

All of this brings us to the latest series of Hanes ads featuring Jordan.  The setting for each ad is on an airplane, with Jordan being seated next to a talkative guy who seems to think he and Jordan are instantly friends and are financially, socially, and mentally on par with one another.  I guess in his own mind this guy is "winning" too.  I just hope he doesn't try to tell us he's a "bitchin' rock star from Mars," and please, for fuck's sake, don't let him utter the phrase "tiger's blood."

The highlight of the commercial, and the proverbial elephant in the room, is Jordan's mustache, the likes of which we haven't seen since Adolf Hitler.  I don't know whether it's encouraging or repulsive (symbolically speaking; visually the Hitler-stache is fucking awesome) that Jordan chose to wear this mustache.  It's encouraging in that Jordan is telling everyone, "hey, no need to let one asshole ruin a sweet bit of upper lip hair for all of us."  On the other hand, it's repulsive because, well, you know, Hitler organized the killing of millions of people.  I mean, the name Adolf was once very popular, but who is the last person under 80 that you met who went by it?  Hitler ruined that for us all too, and time has not restored luster to the moniker.  Perhaps we can take the power and bad karma out of these things by confronting them head on.  I dream of an NBA filled with guys named Adolf with narrow little mustaches on their upper lips.

Beyond the ridiculous facial hair of MJ, the commercial is pretty average.  It's fairly amusing when the guy thinks he's being recognized for selling the bacon neck guy carpet (the bacon neck guy had a pretty kickass mustache himself, I must add).  Ultimately no amount of funny jokes or zany characters can compete with Jordan's mustache though.

Final Grade: C